|Once a year, around about now, the continent of Europe (plus, it seems) undergoes a sort of mass-psychosis. It’s not dissimilar to that leading up to the Idol finals, but this time, the stakes are much, much lower. And Ryan Seacrest is nowhere to be found.
Yes folks, it’s Eurovision time. This year, the broadcast final coincides with my birthday. So, I’ve had a look at the contestants online. Which means that you don’t need to. Merely follow my brief summary of the contestants below, then feel free to ignore the entire phenomenon until next year. Remember, I do this for YOU! (but if you insist on going it alone, then feel free to witness the
horror spectacle here)
Armenia – they have silk being blown by a fan, close to a fire. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Safety first, please, ESC! Oh, but in a ‘Ghost’ moment, he makes a pot, which is almost worthy of forgiving the white t-shirt tucked (only over the belt) into white trousers – almost. A ballerina appears.
Bosnia and Herzegovina – managed to make a river barge look interesting. And even wore Eastern European ‘fashion’ well. Suffers from a small infestation of blackbirds though – released ‘dove style’ from behind the singer at a momentous key change. Also: French horn players should probably not play the French horn over a BBQ. I’m just guessing on this one though – Nine? Please confirm.
Finland – representing the skatey set, with an charming little tale of a love triangle. Chicks fight.
France – where it’s habit to have two people running beside/behind a vespa with two blokes on it wearing pink helmets. They also take franglais to lofty new, oxygen deprived heights – by rhyming words from either language, i.e. ‘semaine’ rhymes with ‘main’. I feel schizophrenic.
Germany – Very weird to hear a 50’s type rat pack song sung in German. But other than appearing to have an eye infection (or: he needs to sack his makeup artist), it’s actually really good. Musically.
Greece – So THAT’S what happened to the old set of the Greece film – nice touch. Someone needs to remind them that short white dungarees are not cool. But he’s hot. Very hot. Ouch.
Ireland – time-delay, children painting while teachers sing and play traditional instruments. Bring back the Corrs.
Lithuania – recently discovered video splicing and powerpoint
Romania – apparently loves [me] from his airless vantage point in space. Really – he has planets orbiting him. Would that I were making this shit up.
Russia – still fuelling the fire of “schoolgirl fantasies” (note, not school girl fantasies – as that would involve more ponies and sleepovers)
Spain – manufactured to shrug and samba in a Spanish manner. All short.
Sweden – still entering Abba songs, albeit in the guise of a(nother) drag queen.
UK – trolly dollies (male and female, obviously gay and possibly straight – to appeal to the widest audience) attempting to prove UK’s newfound europhilism by mentioning the capital cities of EVERY country in Europe.
Ukraine - scared of aliens reading their brain waves, so have subsequently protected themselves with an alluring combination of disco mirror balls and tin foil.
Not in the final, but worthy of a sneering mention:
- Albania - scary SCARY mo'. Terrifying
- Belarus - took hints from Labyrinth, and added a circus. Terrifying.
- Bulgaria – Eurovision is not a wet-tshirt competition (actually, I reserve the right to change my opinion on that). A ‘vampire’ has 'bat' wings not feathery black ones. Two drum kits (inc a Japanese drum and some bongos) do not a song make.
- Cyprus - so so (ha ha)
- Czech Republic - bad rock. In a language only 10mil people worldwide can comprehend. Way to attract votes, guys.
- Georgia - used a videographer who previously worked for national geographic.
- Iceland and Croatia - er, is there a maximum age limit?
- Israel - couldn’t decide between German oompah-loompah, Gilbert & Sullivan, tetris, busking, and hip hop, so sang them all, about the inevitable destruction of the world. It's compelling.
- Latvia – using opera singers is cheating. The top hats, tux jackets and jeans (and MEDALS!!?) are not a good look. Just in case you were wondering. Even if one of your singers looks like Gael Garcia Bernal.
- Macedonia – backing dancers wearing shorts, and doing some sort of weird synchronized swimming thing around the singer. Was she really a fountain in disguise?
- Norway – There’s a costume change here which is so impressive, it’s worth watching. It is DAMNED good - and puts our quick change into whores to shame (in Les Mis), really it does.
- Poland - a dance club, a bar, a changing room, the stage of a musical – someone accidentally stumbled over the wardrobe department of an amateur theatre, added some brass instruments, a bit of rap and called it a song. WTPoland?
- Portugal – have a helicopter operated camera – inside a studio. Nauseating.
- Slovenia - see Latvia, re opera singers. And please, use a male with hair on his legs, that was just weird.
- Switzerland - vampires, ‘we are alive, we will live forever’ etc. Stick to watches, chocolate, banking and knives people.
The drag theme is quite prevalent this year, even amongst the female contestants. Apparently this is to persuade the
millions thousands of watchers to vote. The voters demographic are apparently: paid up, card-carrying, boa trailing, false-eyelash fluttering, glitzy gown wearing lipsynchers of show tunes.
My voting form arrived in the mail today.
P.S. It’s ANZAC day. We will remember them.
Labels: Observations on Life, What to do